fear.

I was reading people's blog. As in reading from past to present.

I realise I change a lot. But some part of me didn't want the change. I don't like the ways things are now. Everything seems so fake. Everything seems to be on living on A B C and D. All the teachers has been asking what was wrong with me, what happened to the motivation I had when sec3 just started. One of the teachers even said :" prico, i know you got the potential in this subject, there must be some thing hindering you, you got to let it go and move on, this is your o level year". I don't get it why is that every expects me to be potentially good. Potential this and that, expected result this and that. All those results I got wasn't 'Expected' was what I work hard for. My name is prico ain't 'potentially A prico', neither am I 'expected good results prico'. My name ain't that long. I know my results have been falling. After reading people's blog, I realise the reason too. There is something in my heart I don't dare to do, don't dare to say, don't dare to share anymore. Remembering back that incident, that misunderstanding really did hurt me, maybe now that all of you have forgotten it, i still remember, I dont dare to do those actions again, afraid what you all will say again, I dont dare to work hard and get good grade, afraid that even i didnt tell anyone, the score might spread, the rumour once again start, then, I'm going to fall apart again. I dont know why it broke myself into so many pieces, but it really did. I remember I gave my full trust into them, really I did, what I didn't expect was their reaction. They are the ones who pull me up from darkness, encourage me with I was nothing, and yet the tear me apart when i was a little something, break me into pieces. All i wanted is to share my happiness with them, cause they are the ones who help me on the way too, they also are part of the reason why i got my results. When i know what had happen, those dreams broke, those smiles now vanish. I recall back, we used to do so many things together, no matter if its stupid or not, but now everything vanished. Wilson told me that day about being fake. I was wondering, no la, that cant be. But now that i recall back, maybe he was right. maybe things arent like the past. maybe we lost it. no turning back. i feel that im still too weak. i thought i could overcome such an small thing and move on with my studies. i did not. i miss the old days. i do. All the best in your studies. I hope you do well. I hope you do know that your're still my dearest sister.